by Rabia Mills
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [Qur'an 30:21 Yusuf Ali translation]
A great deal of heartache can be avoided by a woman in her marriage if she, as the bride-to-be, agrees to and signs a carefully considered Prenuptial Agreement (also known as a Marriage Contract or Domestic Contract) that guards her rights before entering into wedlock. This is the crucial first step which will guarantee her rights throughout her marriage, because if problems should arise later on in the marriage, ignorance of the law will not be allowed as an excuse for the woman's failure to secure her rights. The Prenuptial Agreement can also guarantee a woman many of her Islamic rights, which can be enforceable by law(1) even if she lives in a western country. Arguably women's Islamic rights are more fair and equitable than the secular woman's rights in the west, so it makes sense to know just what her Islamic rights are and how they can be relinquished should she neglect to claim them before marriage.(2) A great deal of misinformation abounds concerning the Prenuptial Agreement and women's Islamic rights. Insha'Allah, this article will set the record straight, as much as possible, about what her Islamic rights are, and how to protect them with a carefully considered Prenuptial Agreement.
For the most part, we will address the western Muslim woman who is not only required to obey the Shar'iah, but who must also comply with the secular laws of her own country. However, we will touch briefly upon a few major issues which affect women living in Eastern countries where polygyny (3) and other such Muslim laws are extant. Because of the diversity of laws from country to country, we can only discuss the Muslim woman's rights in a general as opposed to specific fashion.
To be enforceable by law, a Prenuptial Agreement must also comply with the laws of the country (as distinct from the Islamic Law of the Shar'iah) in which it is drawn up and signed. This will guarantee that the agreement will be legally binding on both the husband and the wife, and should problems should later arise, the spouse will have protection under the law of his or her own country. It is therefore advisable for the couple to have at least a rudimentary understanding of the laws of their own respective countries in which they live.
Ideally it would be more advantageous for the couple to consult both a legal specialist in their own particular country and also a specialist in Islamic Law to help draw up their contract. We would suggest that the Prenuptial Agreement or Marriage Contract be drawn up by a religious leader in your community (i.e. the Imam of your local mosque might be able to help) and then checked over by each of the bride and groom's respective lawyers. Muslim lawyers -- if available - would be preferable.
The Prenuptial Agreement - points to consider in your marriage contract
It is impossible in an article of this nature to cover all of the possible inclusions which could conceivably go into the Prenuptial Agreement, so we will focus mainly on those points which have a bearing on protecting a Muslim woman's Islamic rights.
(a) Polygyny
If a woman does not feel that she could allow her husband to marry more than one woman at the same time, then Islam allows her the right to refuse him permission to do this at the outset of their marriage, however, she must indicate this preference in the Prenuptial Agreement or she will forfeit this right under the Islamic Law. If she is uncertain as to whether or not she will be opposed to her husband marrying a second wife later on, then she could include that in the agreement and thus make it binding upon her husband that he must consult her at that time and that he must then abide by her wishes. To say nothing, however, could possibly invite more pain than gain as far as her desires are concerned.
In the West, polygamy (4) is illegal. Even so, the woman may still request that her husband not marry a second wife, and put this in the contract. This sort of request would be considered spurious in the Prenuptial Contract because men in the west are already forbidden polygyny. Nonetheless it might still prove to be a useful addition to the contract at this time because later on the couple might possibly move to a country where polygyny is legal.
Although polygyny is illegal in Canada, if a person marries more than one wife anyway, then the second wife is cut off from access to her legal rights as a wife completely (i.e. inheritance, mahr, alimony, child custody, recognition as being a wife, etc.) because the second marriage is not legally recognized whatsoever by Canadian law authorities. Therefore she will not be treated equally under Canadian law to the first wife, who could easily go to a recognized legal authority to enforce her marital rights. The second wife will have no legal recourse whatsoever from Canadian law. So this is a strong argument against Muslims marrying a second wife in a country like Canada which will neither recognize nor enforce her Islamic legal rights when it comes to polygyny. Interestingly enough, it appears that the Canadian government is not entirely opposed to polygyny when it comes to immigrants. If the husband and his wives have already been married off of Canadian soil and should they immigrate to Canada, then the extra wives will be accorded equal protection under Canadian law as the first wife.
In any case, it would be a good idea to include a clause agreeing that the marriage will not be polygynous, if this is BOTH their preferences, for clarification between the two spouses and the Muslim community. It has already been mentioned that there is always the possibility that the couple could someday live in some other country that does recognize polygyny. So the couple may want to be clear on this point.
(b) Mahr
This is the dower, or gift from the groom to the bride, of either a fixed financial amount or even a property amount and it is usually given immediately at the time of the marriage. However, either some of it or all of it may be deferred until a later time where it would become payable to the wife either upon the death or divorce of her husband. This is her Islamic right. Therefore the details of its payment should be set out very clearly in the Prenuptial Agreement for this right to be accorded to the western Muslim woman. (i.e. that a certain portion of the dower will be paid at once or within a stated period, and the remainder upon the dissolution of the contract by either death or divorce.) For example, the bride could settle an appropriate amount of dower to cover the demands of life after either a divorce or the husband's death, or she could arrange for an annuity, or a fixed monthly amount payable to her upon the occurrence of either of those two events, so long as the Canadian rule against perpetuities is not contravened. There doesn't appear to be anything in Islamic law that prohibits a wife from looking after her own interests in this way in Canada.
In the U.S.A., however, Prenuptial agreements which "facilitate divorce or separation by providing for a settlement only in the event of such an occurrence are void as against public policy." This appears to mean that according U.S. law, a woman cannot claim her dower in the event of divorce, even though she had agreed to this in her Prenuptial Agreement. So ladies, be forewarned about this issue if you happen to live in the U.S.A. [for more information click here ].
(c) Divorce
In Islam, divorce is permitted when serious differences arise which cannot be resolved through reconciliation. However, it has to be the last resort, for the Prophet p.b.u.h. has described divorce as the most detestable of all lawful things in the sight of God. Now divorce is probably the last thing in the world that a couple would want to consider when negotiating their Prenuptial Agreement, but since Islamic divorce law is far more reasonable and equitable than Western divorce law, it would be wise to commit to the Shar'iah in your Prenuptial Agreement and in the early stages of marriage. Furthermore, this is the time when a woman may claim many of her Islamic rights.
There is a misguided notion both among western nations and even among Muslims themselves that under Muslim law a woman will get nothing from her husband towards her maintenance and living expenses beyond her probationary period of Iddat. This is a very simplistic notion and is clearly misleading.
In Islam the husband may unilaterally divorce his wife at any time, without specifying any reason, and a woman may do the same as long as she acquires this right when contracting her marriage. She can do this by negotiating and demanding that the prospective husband delegate to herself (or her nominated agent) the right to divorce herself at any time without assigning any reason.(5) It should be borne in mind that the procedure relating to the pronouncement of divorce can vary depending upon which school of law is followed by the husband and wife.(6) The prospective wife can also have the husband's right to divorce her curtailed in many other ways - all by demanding and having the required legal conditions included in the marriage contract - and these conditions would be just as enforceable in a court of law as any conditions of a civil contract.
In fact, the modus operandi, even in a so-called bilateral marital breakdown situation (i.e., where both the husband and the wife mutually agree to divorce) is always for one of the two spouses to take the initiative to call the marriage off. So, in reality, marriage breakdown situations almost always entail unilateral decisions and motivations. Therefore, given that there is often an unavoidable, unilateral dimension in initiating divorce proceedings, one could argue that to let either of the two spouses have the unilateral right to divorce the other will save both of them from endless argumentation and bickering that could ultimately lead them to very expensive and emotionally charged court litigation.
Currently, if you live in Canada, the couple must first legally separate for a period of one year before divorce will be granted. It is a very complicated process and each spouse is advised to retain his or her own lawyer. At the moment, a Canadian Muslim couple cannot obtain a divorce in Canada according to Muslim Law. However, there are things which can be done to minimize the trauma and legal expense as long as BOTH the husband and wife are willing to compromise. Moreover, it would be very useful if they both had agreed to and signed a Prenuptial Agreement which had set out various prearranged issues such as child custody, maintenance, etc. and so if both the husband and the wife were willing to abide by this agreement, then the divorce could actually proceed quite smoothly.
(d) Financial Independence
According to Muslim Family Law, the responsibility for the wife's maintenance (nafqa) always remains with the husband. The wife has no corresponding obligation to support her husband. The Muslim law principle which has been jealously guarded and enforced by Muslim law courts is that a woman's property is hers alone. Period. Consequently, any property which a Muslim wife contributes towards the 'family's assets' (i.e. all the property accumulated during the marriage) remains hers alone and is not subject to division or sharing by the husband in the event of a marriage breakdown (unless otherwise agreed upon between the husband and wife). In other words, under the Muslim Law, her 'Net Family Property,' remains hers alone and with no corresponding obligation to share with her husband (unless both husband and wife have agreed to share). This is not the case in Ontario law. So to ensure that a woman's Islamic rights are protected in Canada, particularly with respect to the matrimonial home provision of the Ontario Law, it is suggested that both the husband and wife consult a specialist (i.e. lawyer who specializes in Ontario Family Law if they happen to live in Ontario) so as to explore with this lawyer the legal possibilities of accommodating the couple's wishes, as much as possible, by finding ways and means to legally circumvent the (Ontario) law with regards to the obligatory special equal sharing of the matrimonial home provision.(7)
It appears that in the U.S.A., the Prenuptial Agreement can successfully redefine each spouse's property as either separate property or community property, so the wife can specify her financial independence and ownership of property at this time. [For more details click here ]
(e) Education and Employment
Muslim women may restate their God-given Islamic rights to education and independence to work (employment, business, professions, etc.) in the Prenuptial agreement at this time which could be used beneficially both in Muslim as well as non-Muslim countries. Women in the west have already been accorded these rights by law, although in practise the husband may or may not approve of a wife either working or getting a higher education. So it would be prudent for both the husband and the wife, either in the West or the East, to be clear on this issue so as to prevent discord and unhappiness in the marriage.
The Prenuptial Agreement may also provide for religious education and upbringing of the children in accordance with Islamic Law and traditions.
Conclusion
The Prenuptial Agreement can be likened to an 'insurance policy' for both Western and Eastern Muslim couples; and for the Muslim woman who wishes to adhere to the principles of Islam, she would be well advised to carefully consider her options. The couple may not necessarily consider themselves to be very religious in practice at the present time, but this could change many years down the road because one simply cannot know one's future. So it would be a good idea to cover all your bases as it were when considering your Prenuptial Agreement.
Whether you are a woman living in an Eastern Muslim country, or a woman living in a Western secular country, a carefully considered Prenuptial Agreement will prove to be an important asset to your marriage because (and most couples don't know this) the standard Marital Contracts that Mosques use, often do not claim those rights for women that are hers and these could be lost if not agreed upon in her Prenuptial Agreement. Particularly for women who live in Eastern Muslim countries, you cannot assume that because your country is governed for the most part by Muslim Law that your Islamic rights will be specified in this standard contract or that your rights will be protected if need be by your country's law. This may not be the case.
The reason why the importance and the practical need for a Prenuptial Contract seems to be ignored by such a large segment of the Muslim population is simply beyond comprehension. This lack of appreciation for the need for a Prenuptial Agreement seems to become even more appalling if one, as a Muslim, would recognize the fact that the Muslim marriage (Nikah/aqd) is itself a civil contract. It contains the basic ingredients of a regular everyday civil contract! The whole matrimonial relationship is based upon mutual agreement and consent of both the husband and the wife. From this point of view then, whoever said "a marriage contract is like is like a blank cheque on a joint account containing almost unlimited funds" really knew what he was talking about. Just as either the husband or the wife may decide to increase or decrease the funds held in their joint account, so too can they add any number of mutual rights and obligations into their Marriage/Prenuptial Contract. Nothing is carved in stone - everything can be changed, altered and amended. All that is required is a certain amount of good will and a sincere desire to live happily ever after.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Waleemah (Wedding Feast) in Islam
By Nurul Aiman - reprinted from Mukmin.com
The waleemah is a food reception which follows the consummation of marriage, to make the marriage public. It is offered by the parents of the married couple, by their friends, or by the newly married couple themselves. Friends, relatives, and neighbors are usually invited.
The companion Anas reported that the Prophet SAW saw a trace of yellow on Abd Ar- Rahman Ibn Auf, and asked what is this? He answered: "I got married". Then, the Prophet SAW said,
"May Allah make it a blessing for you. Have a waleemah, even with only a sheep." [Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Maalik]
Since marriage is such a joyful event for the whole Muslim neighborhood, playing tambourines and having decent and allowable singing are recommended during the celebration. According to Aishah (r.a), it is a sunnah of the Prophet SAW to announce a marriage and to make it in the mosque.
Once, Aishah organised a wedding feast for a woman who wed a man from Al-Ansaar. The Prophet SAW advised Aishah to do some entertainment due to the tradition of Al-Ansaar.
We must keep in mind, however, that the marriage celebrations should not violate any Islamic law. The word entertainment in the Islamic context should not be misinterpreted.
People who attend the celebrations should not mix in any un-Islamic way. Both men and women should wear proper Islamic dress during the celebration, and the songs they sing should not contain any obscene words or words that violate the Islamic code of decency and manners. Islamic standards must be upheld regardless of the type of occasion one is participating in.
Some people have begun practicing traditions which are completely against Islamic teachings. The tradition of bringing a musical band and female dancer to dance before men is prohibited in Islam. Another un-lslamic tradition is the use of a gold ring by the groom; this was prohibited by the Prophet SAW. Silver rings are allowed for men and women, while wearing gold ornament is allowed for women only.The tradition of trading rings is borrowed from other societies, and Muslims are told not to imitate non-Muslims in such traditions.
A groom should not feel obligated to have an extravagant marriage celebration, as this is a financial burden which could leave him in debt for years to follow. This could in turn discourage men from getting married. Marriage is an occasion for presenting the new family with gifts by relatives and friends. Gifts that are given with sincerity and consent strengthen the love between people.The Prophet SAW said,
"Exchange gifts, strengthen your love of one another." [Tirmizi]
One should always keep in mind the real reason behind giving gifts -- to strengthen the mutual relationships between people. Therefore, gifts should be affordable and given to others voluntarily. Unfortunately, most have forgotten this and the gifts have become burdens on those who give them; this weakens relationships between people instead of strengthening them.
People today write down what others have given them and the prices of such presents and then feel obligated to buy that person a gift equal in value. This is completely un-Islamic, and it does not follow the teachings of the Prophet SAW. Some vary in their social positions and have different financial statuses, and feeling obligated to buy a gift equal to that presented would soon end close relationships between people of different economic backgrounds. This will in turn build social barriers.
Finally, congratulations are offered to the bride by the women around her and by her relatives and friends; the groom is congratulated by other men. The best of congratulations is that reported by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet SAW said to people who got married:
"May Allah make it a blessing for you and a blessing to you, and bring you together with all that is good." [Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Al-Hakim]
Marriage is a sacred bond between two people people. It binds not only hearts of two persons, but two distinguished extended families. Indeed, a good start in a whole new life as a husband and wife will serve as a strong foundation for the coming future
The waleemah is a food reception which follows the consummation of marriage, to make the marriage public. It is offered by the parents of the married couple, by their friends, or by the newly married couple themselves. Friends, relatives, and neighbors are usually invited.
The companion Anas reported that the Prophet SAW saw a trace of yellow on Abd Ar- Rahman Ibn Auf, and asked what is this? He answered: "I got married". Then, the Prophet SAW said,
"May Allah make it a blessing for you. Have a waleemah, even with only a sheep." [Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Maalik]
Since marriage is such a joyful event for the whole Muslim neighborhood, playing tambourines and having decent and allowable singing are recommended during the celebration. According to Aishah (r.a), it is a sunnah of the Prophet SAW to announce a marriage and to make it in the mosque.
Once, Aishah organised a wedding feast for a woman who wed a man from Al-Ansaar. The Prophet SAW advised Aishah to do some entertainment due to the tradition of Al-Ansaar.
We must keep in mind, however, that the marriage celebrations should not violate any Islamic law. The word entertainment in the Islamic context should not be misinterpreted.
People who attend the celebrations should not mix in any un-Islamic way. Both men and women should wear proper Islamic dress during the celebration, and the songs they sing should not contain any obscene words or words that violate the Islamic code of decency and manners. Islamic standards must be upheld regardless of the type of occasion one is participating in.
Some people have begun practicing traditions which are completely against Islamic teachings. The tradition of bringing a musical band and female dancer to dance before men is prohibited in Islam. Another un-lslamic tradition is the use of a gold ring by the groom; this was prohibited by the Prophet SAW. Silver rings are allowed for men and women, while wearing gold ornament is allowed for women only.The tradition of trading rings is borrowed from other societies, and Muslims are told not to imitate non-Muslims in such traditions.
A groom should not feel obligated to have an extravagant marriage celebration, as this is a financial burden which could leave him in debt for years to follow. This could in turn discourage men from getting married. Marriage is an occasion for presenting the new family with gifts by relatives and friends. Gifts that are given with sincerity and consent strengthen the love between people.The Prophet SAW said,
"Exchange gifts, strengthen your love of one another." [Tirmizi]
One should always keep in mind the real reason behind giving gifts -- to strengthen the mutual relationships between people. Therefore, gifts should be affordable and given to others voluntarily. Unfortunately, most have forgotten this and the gifts have become burdens on those who give them; this weakens relationships between people instead of strengthening them.
People today write down what others have given them and the prices of such presents and then feel obligated to buy that person a gift equal in value. This is completely un-Islamic, and it does not follow the teachings of the Prophet SAW. Some vary in their social positions and have different financial statuses, and feeling obligated to buy a gift equal to that presented would soon end close relationships between people of different economic backgrounds. This will in turn build social barriers.
Finally, congratulations are offered to the bride by the women around her and by her relatives and friends; the groom is congratulated by other men. The best of congratulations is that reported by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet SAW said to people who got married:
"May Allah make it a blessing for you and a blessing to you, and bring you together with all that is good." [Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Al-Hakim]
Marriage is a sacred bond between two people people. It binds not only hearts of two persons, but two distinguished extended families. Indeed, a good start in a whole new life as a husband and wife will serve as a strong foundation for the coming future
How To Help Muslims Get Married
Tips for Parents and Imams
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.
So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.
So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.
The Westernized Muslim Wedding of Today
By Reeaz H Paruk
The Western Whirlwind of Destruction which has been constantly blowing across this country for decades and undermining the morals of the Youth, of more recent times has found new victims in young men Muslim men and women who appear to be voluntarily stepping into its evil path. And whilst this "Tornado of the West" is leaving in its wake a continuous trail of crushed moral values amongst our young brothers and sisters, the parents are openly and unashamedly displaying an attitude of incredible irresponsibility by aiding and abetting the youngsters in their suicidal ventures.
Clear evidence of this gross misbehaviour can be found, for instance, at Muslim weddings and engagement parties where the type of conduct reminiscent of the western way of life is fully exercised in its most naked form, where Muslim men and women, boys and girls, act and do things that have nothing in common with the actions and doings of true Muslims. Indeed, some of the formalities which are considered indispensable (by modern standards) at these gatherings are in diametric conflict with Islam and reminiscent of the times of jahiliyyah (ignorance).
Notwithstanding the fact that western-styled garments are designed primarily to emphasize the shape of the female body and to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, these immodest apparels are worn by Muslim women who, in anticipation of the opportunity to show themselves off at impending weddings or engagements, start making preparations on a lavish scale by acquiring the more "modern" versions of these abominably styled clothing. What is even more deplorable is the practice of equipping the bride with several of these immodestly designed suits, and subjecting her to a most humiliating display on an elaborately prepared stage after clothing her in an exquisite western wedding gown and obliterating all her natural beauty with western cosmetics. And to ensure perfection in the scrupulously observed rituals of the west, the bride is provided with a retinue of bridesmaids, flower-girls and page-boy, with their faces similarly disfigured with the same satanic object of attracting the maximum of lustful stares. Crowds of people, including fashionably dressed men, are then allowed to queue up to see the "puppet show" and quench their unholy thirsts whilst trampling under their feet all Islamic standards of modesty.
This slaughter of Islamic morals and principles by no means ends here. Some parents even go further and not only permit but actively encourage couples to meet and speak, dine and dance and roam around together in cars in blatant violation of the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.). These extremely dangerous divergences from traditional Islamic precepts are becoming more and more common, and their perpetrators more and more shameless. In some Muslim weddings, even dancing forms part of these revolting innovations. In the words of Dr E.S. Sonners, ".....social dancing is fundamently sinful and evil.....It is nothing more or less than damnable, diabolical, animal, physical dissipation". It is not certainly not beyond one's imagination to think of the lustful gazes and corruption of the minds of young, impressionable audiences which such diabolical displays are bound to cause. And as an ironical prelude, some invitation cards printed to advertise these most insidious and sinful programmes are headed: "In the Name of Allah.......". What a mockery of Islamic ethics!
The following are some of the practices that are meticulously carried out during matrimonial affairs despite the fact that they are either expressly forbidden in Shariah, or have no bases in Islam:
1. The engaged couple meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring onto her finger whilst the two look romantically at each other. This act is void of modesty and completly foreign to Islamic culture. It is furthermore, a flagrant violation of the Quranic Law of Purdah. It is an evil innovation of the godless west , and those indulging in it should take cognizance of the Prophet's stern warning that "those who imitate others will rise on the Day of Judgement as of them".
2. The prohibition in Islam of the gathering and free mixing of the sexes is nowhere else more flagrantly violated than at engagement and wedding feasts. Members of both sexes, young and old, are accomodated in the same tent or hall without so much as a curtain partition between them and to add insult to injury, women, including immodestly dressed young spinsters, are waited upon by men. What shameless impudence on the part of the organisers, who appear to be blissfully unaware of the tremendous responsibility which they must shoulder for the resultant decline in the moral standard of the Muslims.
3. Another very indecent practice copied from the west is the appearance on the stage together of the married couple after the Nikah. Here, the new husband presents his bride with a wedding ring, kisses her, and then (in a growing number of cases) allows his friends to kiss her too! and that in full view of the hundreds of guests! This is indeed the total and tragic destruction of Islamic modesty and shame.
4. It has become a normal thing at Muslim weddings for the bridegroom to appear before his mother-in-law to be showed with confetti and gifts of rings, ties, hankies, etc. in full view of women guests whose envious eyes and flattering tongues add to the morbidity of the whole act.
5. The parents take great pride in making a public display of the bride's "trousseau", and advertising all the individual items therein, thus wasting valuable time and effort which could otherwise have been more fruitfully spent in teaching the bride how to conduct herself with credit in her new responsiblities. This show (of the "trousseau") is motivated by the spiritually destructive elements of "riya"(ostentation) and "takabbur"(pride).
6. A large number of Nikah are performed in a specially rented hall or tent. The Mosque as a central pivot of all Muslim religious activity is often ignored. It is no exaggeration to say that many people regard a Nikah at the Musjid as "inconvient" simply because they are well aware that some of their ill-conceived western rituals are too shameless to be permitted there. However, according to the Tradition of the Prophet(S.A.W.) marriages performed in the House of Allah, immediately preceded and followed by prayers, will attract the maximum of Allah's Blessings, whereas this is not, and cannot, be the case where alternative venues are chosen with the express purpose of facilitating the performance of things Un-Islamic.
7. Many people are known to be labouring under the misconception that the conduction of marriages on certain specific Islamic dates is contrary to Islamic Law. Such beliefs are not only unfounded, but are also against the grain of common sense. Likewise, the notion that it is incumbent upon the bride to spend her first Ramadaan and Eid after marriage at the parents' home has no basis in Islam.
In recent years, more and more innovatory and satanic western practices have been added by the Muslim commercial elites whose coffers are bursting at the seams as a result of the inflationary trends and economic booms of the past decade. Among these are the European-orientated fashions of printing expensive, pictorially-embossed "thank you" cards, and, more despicably, the insidious practice of a male member of the family escorting the bride arm-in-arm from the comparative seclusion of her home, through the mixed crowd of envious guests, right on to the stage for the ultimate "puppet" show, and all these farcical and morbid, soul-destroying scenes being "shot" for posterity by specially appointed and professionally equipped "video and photography" teams, with a fully fledged and "high ranking" musical band in close attendance! Within the self-same decade, the progressive deterioration of the bride's wedding-day garments from bad to worse in the very latest and obnoxious "see-thru" materials has been causing grave misgivings among the Ulama , many of whom are known to have turned down invitations from close acquaintances for fear of being confronted with scenes too shameless to comprehend. Several more instances can be cited where a great deal of expense and trouble are incurred over acts that are counter-productive of Islamic ethical and moral values. It is a tragic fact that each year hundreds of thousands of Ranks are squandered in the process of upholding and intensifying these senseless, soul-destroying procedures.
"Lo! the squanderers were ever brothers of the devils, and the devil was ever an ingrate to his Lord." (xvii-27) "The best of marriage is one over which the least trouble and expense have been incurred" is a most off-flouted maxim of the Holy Prophet(S.A.W.). The Great Master's sound teachings have been thoughlessly and savagely thrown overboard and substituted by the fast-decaying cultural values of the godless west.
Someone was heard to remark at a recent wedding reception: "Here is part of the reason for the drought....and for escalating Muslim divorce rate....(to heights unknown in previous generations)....and for the downward plunge of the Muslims.... into the abyss of physical and spritual destruction....in this world and the next......"
May Allah grant Hidaayat, to one and all! Aameen
The Western Whirlwind of Destruction which has been constantly blowing across this country for decades and undermining the morals of the Youth, of more recent times has found new victims in young men Muslim men and women who appear to be voluntarily stepping into its evil path. And whilst this "Tornado of the West" is leaving in its wake a continuous trail of crushed moral values amongst our young brothers and sisters, the parents are openly and unashamedly displaying an attitude of incredible irresponsibility by aiding and abetting the youngsters in their suicidal ventures.
Clear evidence of this gross misbehaviour can be found, for instance, at Muslim weddings and engagement parties where the type of conduct reminiscent of the western way of life is fully exercised in its most naked form, where Muslim men and women, boys and girls, act and do things that have nothing in common with the actions and doings of true Muslims. Indeed, some of the formalities which are considered indispensable (by modern standards) at these gatherings are in diametric conflict with Islam and reminiscent of the times of jahiliyyah (ignorance).
Notwithstanding the fact that western-styled garments are designed primarily to emphasize the shape of the female body and to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, these immodest apparels are worn by Muslim women who, in anticipation of the opportunity to show themselves off at impending weddings or engagements, start making preparations on a lavish scale by acquiring the more "modern" versions of these abominably styled clothing. What is even more deplorable is the practice of equipping the bride with several of these immodestly designed suits, and subjecting her to a most humiliating display on an elaborately prepared stage after clothing her in an exquisite western wedding gown and obliterating all her natural beauty with western cosmetics. And to ensure perfection in the scrupulously observed rituals of the west, the bride is provided with a retinue of bridesmaids, flower-girls and page-boy, with their faces similarly disfigured with the same satanic object of attracting the maximum of lustful stares. Crowds of people, including fashionably dressed men, are then allowed to queue up to see the "puppet show" and quench their unholy thirsts whilst trampling under their feet all Islamic standards of modesty.
This slaughter of Islamic morals and principles by no means ends here. Some parents even go further and not only permit but actively encourage couples to meet and speak, dine and dance and roam around together in cars in blatant violation of the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.). These extremely dangerous divergences from traditional Islamic precepts are becoming more and more common, and their perpetrators more and more shameless. In some Muslim weddings, even dancing forms part of these revolting innovations. In the words of Dr E.S. Sonners, ".....social dancing is fundamently sinful and evil.....It is nothing more or less than damnable, diabolical, animal, physical dissipation". It is not certainly not beyond one's imagination to think of the lustful gazes and corruption of the minds of young, impressionable audiences which such diabolical displays are bound to cause. And as an ironical prelude, some invitation cards printed to advertise these most insidious and sinful programmes are headed: "In the Name of Allah.......". What a mockery of Islamic ethics!
The following are some of the practices that are meticulously carried out during matrimonial affairs despite the fact that they are either expressly forbidden in Shariah, or have no bases in Islam:
1. The engaged couple meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring onto her finger whilst the two look romantically at each other. This act is void of modesty and completly foreign to Islamic culture. It is furthermore, a flagrant violation of the Quranic Law of Purdah. It is an evil innovation of the godless west , and those indulging in it should take cognizance of the Prophet's stern warning that "those who imitate others will rise on the Day of Judgement as of them".
2. The prohibition in Islam of the gathering and free mixing of the sexes is nowhere else more flagrantly violated than at engagement and wedding feasts. Members of both sexes, young and old, are accomodated in the same tent or hall without so much as a curtain partition between them and to add insult to injury, women, including immodestly dressed young spinsters, are waited upon by men. What shameless impudence on the part of the organisers, who appear to be blissfully unaware of the tremendous responsibility which they must shoulder for the resultant decline in the moral standard of the Muslims.
3. Another very indecent practice copied from the west is the appearance on the stage together of the married couple after the Nikah. Here, the new husband presents his bride with a wedding ring, kisses her, and then (in a growing number of cases) allows his friends to kiss her too! and that in full view of the hundreds of guests! This is indeed the total and tragic destruction of Islamic modesty and shame.
4. It has become a normal thing at Muslim weddings for the bridegroom to appear before his mother-in-law to be showed with confetti and gifts of rings, ties, hankies, etc. in full view of women guests whose envious eyes and flattering tongues add to the morbidity of the whole act.
5. The parents take great pride in making a public display of the bride's "trousseau", and advertising all the individual items therein, thus wasting valuable time and effort which could otherwise have been more fruitfully spent in teaching the bride how to conduct herself with credit in her new responsiblities. This show (of the "trousseau") is motivated by the spiritually destructive elements of "riya"(ostentation) and "takabbur"(pride).
6. A large number of Nikah are performed in a specially rented hall or tent. The Mosque as a central pivot of all Muslim religious activity is often ignored. It is no exaggeration to say that many people regard a Nikah at the Musjid as "inconvient" simply because they are well aware that some of their ill-conceived western rituals are too shameless to be permitted there. However, according to the Tradition of the Prophet(S.A.W.) marriages performed in the House of Allah, immediately preceded and followed by prayers, will attract the maximum of Allah's Blessings, whereas this is not, and cannot, be the case where alternative venues are chosen with the express purpose of facilitating the performance of things Un-Islamic.
7. Many people are known to be labouring under the misconception that the conduction of marriages on certain specific Islamic dates is contrary to Islamic Law. Such beliefs are not only unfounded, but are also against the grain of common sense. Likewise, the notion that it is incumbent upon the bride to spend her first Ramadaan and Eid after marriage at the parents' home has no basis in Islam.
In recent years, more and more innovatory and satanic western practices have been added by the Muslim commercial elites whose coffers are bursting at the seams as a result of the inflationary trends and economic booms of the past decade. Among these are the European-orientated fashions of printing expensive, pictorially-embossed "thank you" cards, and, more despicably, the insidious practice of a male member of the family escorting the bride arm-in-arm from the comparative seclusion of her home, through the mixed crowd of envious guests, right on to the stage for the ultimate "puppet" show, and all these farcical and morbid, soul-destroying scenes being "shot" for posterity by specially appointed and professionally equipped "video and photography" teams, with a fully fledged and "high ranking" musical band in close attendance! Within the self-same decade, the progressive deterioration of the bride's wedding-day garments from bad to worse in the very latest and obnoxious "see-thru" materials has been causing grave misgivings among the Ulama , many of whom are known to have turned down invitations from close acquaintances for fear of being confronted with scenes too shameless to comprehend. Several more instances can be cited where a great deal of expense and trouble are incurred over acts that are counter-productive of Islamic ethical and moral values. It is a tragic fact that each year hundreds of thousands of Ranks are squandered in the process of upholding and intensifying these senseless, soul-destroying procedures.
"Lo! the squanderers were ever brothers of the devils, and the devil was ever an ingrate to his Lord." (xvii-27) "The best of marriage is one over which the least trouble and expense have been incurred" is a most off-flouted maxim of the Holy Prophet(S.A.W.). The Great Master's sound teachings have been thoughlessly and savagely thrown overboard and substituted by the fast-decaying cultural values of the godless west.
Someone was heard to remark at a recent wedding reception: "Here is part of the reason for the drought....and for escalating Muslim divorce rate....(to heights unknown in previous generations)....and for the downward plunge of the Muslims.... into the abyss of physical and spritual destruction....in this world and the next......"
May Allah grant Hidaayat, to one and all! Aameen
Wedding in Islam
by Mir Mohammed Assadullah
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ...
Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ...
Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
Six wedding Dawa considerations
Reprinted from DawaNet.com
Social gatherings are an ideal place to make Dawa, and a Muslim wedding is a great example of this. Weddings are places where non-Muslims can learn about one facet of Islam in a relaxed social atmosphere without feeling they are being preached to.
Here are some practical tips you can use to make Dawa at a Muslim wedding:
1. Make sure you explain some aspects of what will take place at the wedding beforehand.
How should a guest dress at a Muslim gathering? How do Muslims greet the bride and the groom? What kind of gift would be suitable?
These are just some of the protocol issues that may come up during the wedding and could cause surprise and/or embarrassment for non-Muslim guests who may not understand Muslim practices relating to gender interaction or modesty, for instance.
Politely explain to them some of these issues beforehand so they can feel prepared and comfortable at the wedding.
2. Seating arrangements for non-Muslim guests.
What is the Imam saying? What is the oily orange substance being served?
These are some questions that non-Muslim guests may have during the wedding. It would be a good idea to have a family member or a friend who is open-minded and knows their Islam to be sitting with your non-Muslim guests during the wedding to answer these kinds of questions.
Perhaps your non-Muslim guest and their designated host could be introduced to each other as they arrive at the wedding so they can sit together.
In most Muslim weddings, non-Muslims are generally given a separate table to sit at. It's a better idea to seat them on different tables where your designated host can properly take care of them and they can meet with more Muslims.
3. Provide brief written material about the marriage.
What is a Nikah? How will the marriage be conducted?
Print out this fact sheet on the marriage ceremony and make sure all guests have a copy. This will be a great educational and Dawa tool for all guests, Muslim and non-Muslim. Perhaps you can even print it out on fancy paper, decorate it and make it a keepsake of the wedding.
4. Make sure everything is translated.
Try to have the Imam or at least someone else who can do it, translate the Duas (supplications) and Khutbah (sermon) of the marriage for the benefit of non-Arabic speaking Muslims and non-Muslims. Maybe the Imam can even explain why so much of the marriage ceremony is being conducted in Arabic.
5. Ask the Imam to speak briefly about Islamic social life.
A short, wise speech by the Imam or someone else who is qualified to do it, on Islamic social life will give a broader understanding of marriage and family from an Islamic perspective. It is important that the speaker knows English well enough not to offend people's sensibilities in his or her choice of words. The speaker should be especially careful how he or she presents the role of the wife in an Islamic marriage. Too often, speakers at weddings have presented a Muslim wife's position as that of a doormat instead of a partner in a relationship of faith, love and compassion.
6. Be on time.
What could be the worse Dawa than this: you invite guests at 6 p.m. and you, the host, show up at 8 p.m. Please plan ahead to be on time. If you expect a delay, let your guests know what time is suitable to arrive at the wedding.
Social gatherings are an ideal place to make Dawa, and a Muslim wedding is a great example of this. Weddings are places where non-Muslims can learn about one facet of Islam in a relaxed social atmosphere without feeling they are being preached to.
Here are some practical tips you can use to make Dawa at a Muslim wedding:
1. Make sure you explain some aspects of what will take place at the wedding beforehand.
How should a guest dress at a Muslim gathering? How do Muslims greet the bride and the groom? What kind of gift would be suitable?
These are just some of the protocol issues that may come up during the wedding and could cause surprise and/or embarrassment for non-Muslim guests who may not understand Muslim practices relating to gender interaction or modesty, for instance.
Politely explain to them some of these issues beforehand so they can feel prepared and comfortable at the wedding.
2. Seating arrangements for non-Muslim guests.
What is the Imam saying? What is the oily orange substance being served?
These are some questions that non-Muslim guests may have during the wedding. It would be a good idea to have a family member or a friend who is open-minded and knows their Islam to be sitting with your non-Muslim guests during the wedding to answer these kinds of questions.
Perhaps your non-Muslim guest and their designated host could be introduced to each other as they arrive at the wedding so they can sit together.
In most Muslim weddings, non-Muslims are generally given a separate table to sit at. It's a better idea to seat them on different tables where your designated host can properly take care of them and they can meet with more Muslims.
3. Provide brief written material about the marriage.
What is a Nikah? How will the marriage be conducted?
Print out this fact sheet on the marriage ceremony and make sure all guests have a copy. This will be a great educational and Dawa tool for all guests, Muslim and non-Muslim. Perhaps you can even print it out on fancy paper, decorate it and make it a keepsake of the wedding.
4. Make sure everything is translated.
Try to have the Imam or at least someone else who can do it, translate the Duas (supplications) and Khutbah (sermon) of the marriage for the benefit of non-Arabic speaking Muslims and non-Muslims. Maybe the Imam can even explain why so much of the marriage ceremony is being conducted in Arabic.
5. Ask the Imam to speak briefly about Islamic social life.
A short, wise speech by the Imam or someone else who is qualified to do it, on Islamic social life will give a broader understanding of marriage and family from an Islamic perspective. It is important that the speaker knows English well enough not to offend people's sensibilities in his or her choice of words. The speaker should be especially careful how he or she presents the role of the wife in an Islamic marriage. Too often, speakers at weddings have presented a Muslim wife's position as that of a doormat instead of a partner in a relationship of faith, love and compassion.
6. Be on time.
What could be the worse Dawa than this: you invite guests at 6 p.m. and you, the host, show up at 8 p.m. Please plan ahead to be on time. If you expect a delay, let your guests know what time is suitable to arrive at the wedding.
Planning Your Wedding:
The 10 Biggest Pre-Wedding Mistakes
Reprinted from MSN.com, published by The Knot Inc. Edited slightly by Zawaj.com to be appropriate for an Islamic wedding.
Even the smartest, most on-top-of-things couple can make mistakes during wedding planning. Here are the 10 things you should keep an eye on before saying I do.
1. Blowing off your budget
It costs a lot of money to put on a wedding. Many excited brides start booking vendors and making purchases without having a real budget, and then they're shocked to discover they've spent all of their money (or their parents' money) and still don't have half the things they need. If you bounce checks, don't have the money to pay your deposits, or make your final payments past your vendors' deadlines, your wedding will not happen as you have planned. The flowers won't be delivered, your cake will not be decorated, and the band will not play all night -- unless you pay up. Planning a wedding is serious business. Make a budget and keep track of your expenditures.
2. Ordering the wedding gown and/or bridesmaid dresses late
If going for a traditional bridal gown, brides need to place their orders six to eight months before their weddings. Most gowns are made to order; if you wait too long before your wedding date to make your selection, the gown simply may not be ready in time. Bridesmaid dresses should also be decided upon during the same time period, but only after the gown has been selected. You want to make sure your ladies have enough time to get measured and find accessories.
3. Procrastinating on that prenuptial...
It is a reality these days that people -- even brides -- have assets they want to protect. (This is particularly prevalent now that there are so many second marriages where a bride or groom may have children to whom they want their assets to go in case of death.) Leaving the discussion of a prenuptial agreement until the week before the wedding is a sure-fire way to increase the stress level by ten thousand percent -- and endanger the impending marriage. So deal with this potentially sticky issue months in advance (Zawaj.com Editor: this applies equally to any provision that the groom or bride may want to include in the marriage contract).
4. Messing up the marriage license
There are so many rules around marriage licenses that brides are bound to make mistakes. Be sure to investigate time restrictions well in advance of your wedding date. Get your license 31 days before in some states -- and you won't be able to legally marry on your wedding day because it may be valid for only 30 days. Go for your license the day before your wedding and you may not get it in time, because some states have a 48-hour waiting period. Another common mess-up if you're remarrying is not having official divorce papers in time to get the certificate.
5. Booking guest hotel rooms too late
Brides often leave blocking out hotel rooms for out-of-town guests until the last minute. If you're marrying in a city (particularly one where conventions take place) or in a resort town and you don't investigate hotel availability in advance, you can literally end up with not a single room for any of your guests to stay in. Your wedding might go on -- but no one will be able to attend. Reserve a room block as early as possible, up to a year in advance.
6. Inviting too many guests
Make sure your guest list and your reception site match numbers-wise. You can't invite 400 people assuming only 250 will RSVP with a yes -- because if 300 happen to say yes, you may have to turn 50 away at the door. Sites can't just add 10 more tables, as fire laws limit the maximum number of people in any room at one time. To avoid this, assume eighty percent will respond yes and limit your guest list accordingly.
7. Last-minute beauty blunders
Many brides think that scheduling chemical peels the week before their weddings will leave their skin looking angelic on their big days. Others think having their teeth bleached within days of their weddings will leave those pearly whites sparkling. Thinking of tanning the day before your wedding? Think again: You may end up with blisters instead of sun-kissed skin. Last-minute beauty treatments can lead to breakouts, mistakes, or -- even worse -- serious infections. Start a long-term beauty regimen months before the big day and focus on natural and common-sense measures such as eating a healthy diet and exercising, or you could risk ruining all the hard work you've done to make your wedding -- and photos -- perfect. (Never mind putting your health and happiness at risk for the most important day of your life.)
8. Underpaying postage on invites
You'd be surprised how many brides just stick a stamp on their invites and drop them in a letterbox. All but a few wedding invitations require additional postage. The postal service will not take pity on you -- your invites will be returned (and rubber-stamped with that ugly "insufficient postage" message) -- and it will take at least two weeks (never mind the additional $$) to get them back out the door. Be sure to get one complete invitation weighed at the post office before purchasing all your stamps.
9. Ignoring religious restrictions
If you plan on marrying in a house of worship, you need to abide by the rules. Wearing inappropriate attire or not completing pre-wedding requirements is grounds for your officiant to stop your wedding before it begins. As soon as you get engaged, be sure to contact your house of worship to find out about any potential issues. Some houses of worship won't let you marry on certain holy dates; make sure to check your wedding date with your officiant before putting down any deposits for your reception site or vendors.
10. Ignoring weather warnings
Brides marrying outdoors often test fate and just wish for the best when it comes to bad weather. Always have a backup plan -- you may not have a place to marry at all, or your guests (and you) may be in misery at the hands of Mother Nature. Temperatures normally around the balmy 70-degree mark may unexpectedly turn into a boiling 100-degree debacle; be sure to have outdoor air-conditioning. A hurricane, flashflood, or gale force winds may visit on your wedding day; make sure you have an interior alternative or a tent as a back-up location.
Reprinted from MSN.com, published by The Knot Inc. Edited slightly by Zawaj.com to be appropriate for an Islamic wedding.
Even the smartest, most on-top-of-things couple can make mistakes during wedding planning. Here are the 10 things you should keep an eye on before saying I do.
1. Blowing off your budget
It costs a lot of money to put on a wedding. Many excited brides start booking vendors and making purchases without having a real budget, and then they're shocked to discover they've spent all of their money (or their parents' money) and still don't have half the things they need. If you bounce checks, don't have the money to pay your deposits, or make your final payments past your vendors' deadlines, your wedding will not happen as you have planned. The flowers won't be delivered, your cake will not be decorated, and the band will not play all night -- unless you pay up. Planning a wedding is serious business. Make a budget and keep track of your expenditures.
2. Ordering the wedding gown and/or bridesmaid dresses late
If going for a traditional bridal gown, brides need to place their orders six to eight months before their weddings. Most gowns are made to order; if you wait too long before your wedding date to make your selection, the gown simply may not be ready in time. Bridesmaid dresses should also be decided upon during the same time period, but only after the gown has been selected. You want to make sure your ladies have enough time to get measured and find accessories.
3. Procrastinating on that prenuptial...
It is a reality these days that people -- even brides -- have assets they want to protect. (This is particularly prevalent now that there are so many second marriages where a bride or groom may have children to whom they want their assets to go in case of death.) Leaving the discussion of a prenuptial agreement until the week before the wedding is a sure-fire way to increase the stress level by ten thousand percent -- and endanger the impending marriage. So deal with this potentially sticky issue months in advance (Zawaj.com Editor: this applies equally to any provision that the groom or bride may want to include in the marriage contract).
4. Messing up the marriage license
There are so many rules around marriage licenses that brides are bound to make mistakes. Be sure to investigate time restrictions well in advance of your wedding date. Get your license 31 days before in some states -- and you won't be able to legally marry on your wedding day because it may be valid for only 30 days. Go for your license the day before your wedding and you may not get it in time, because some states have a 48-hour waiting period. Another common mess-up if you're remarrying is not having official divorce papers in time to get the certificate.
5. Booking guest hotel rooms too late
Brides often leave blocking out hotel rooms for out-of-town guests until the last minute. If you're marrying in a city (particularly one where conventions take place) or in a resort town and you don't investigate hotel availability in advance, you can literally end up with not a single room for any of your guests to stay in. Your wedding might go on -- but no one will be able to attend. Reserve a room block as early as possible, up to a year in advance.
6. Inviting too many guests
Make sure your guest list and your reception site match numbers-wise. You can't invite 400 people assuming only 250 will RSVP with a yes -- because if 300 happen to say yes, you may have to turn 50 away at the door. Sites can't just add 10 more tables, as fire laws limit the maximum number of people in any room at one time. To avoid this, assume eighty percent will respond yes and limit your guest list accordingly.
7. Last-minute beauty blunders
Many brides think that scheduling chemical peels the week before their weddings will leave their skin looking angelic on their big days. Others think having their teeth bleached within days of their weddings will leave those pearly whites sparkling. Thinking of tanning the day before your wedding? Think again: You may end up with blisters instead of sun-kissed skin. Last-minute beauty treatments can lead to breakouts, mistakes, or -- even worse -- serious infections. Start a long-term beauty regimen months before the big day and focus on natural and common-sense measures such as eating a healthy diet and exercising, or you could risk ruining all the hard work you've done to make your wedding -- and photos -- perfect. (Never mind putting your health and happiness at risk for the most important day of your life.)
8. Underpaying postage on invites
You'd be surprised how many brides just stick a stamp on their invites and drop them in a letterbox. All but a few wedding invitations require additional postage. The postal service will not take pity on you -- your invites will be returned (and rubber-stamped with that ugly "insufficient postage" message) -- and it will take at least two weeks (never mind the additional $$) to get them back out the door. Be sure to get one complete invitation weighed at the post office before purchasing all your stamps.
9. Ignoring religious restrictions
If you plan on marrying in a house of worship, you need to abide by the rules. Wearing inappropriate attire or not completing pre-wedding requirements is grounds for your officiant to stop your wedding before it begins. As soon as you get engaged, be sure to contact your house of worship to find out about any potential issues. Some houses of worship won't let you marry on certain holy dates; make sure to check your wedding date with your officiant before putting down any deposits for your reception site or vendors.
10. Ignoring weather warnings
Brides marrying outdoors often test fate and just wish for the best when it comes to bad weather. Always have a backup plan -- you may not have a place to marry at all, or your guests (and you) may be in misery at the hands of Mother Nature. Temperatures normally around the balmy 70-degree mark may unexpectedly turn into a boiling 100-degree debacle; be sure to have outdoor air-conditioning. A hurricane, flashflood, or gale force winds may visit on your wedding day; make sure you have an interior alternative or a tent as a back-up location.
8 General Tips for a Muslim Wedding
By Samana Siddiqui, SoundVision Foundation, Bridgeview, Illinois
There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:
1. Invite the poor
According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.
Don't let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.
2. Invite a multiethnic audience
Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it's the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.
3. Practice gender privacy at your wedding
This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.
Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.
There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.
* You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
* You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
* In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah's blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.
In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.
It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.
4. Set up a hospitality line
This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.
Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.
5. Have the hosts make rounds during dinner
When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.
6. Set the stage
It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.
7. Make sure to set up a gift table
Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying "Please put gifts here. Thank you."
8. Mind the bathrooms
Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it's a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.
Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.
9. Avoid making unnecessary announcements
Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.
There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:
1. Invite the poor
According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.
Don't let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.
2. Invite a multiethnic audience
Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it's the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.
3. Practice gender privacy at your wedding
This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.
Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.
There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.
* You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
* You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
* In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah's blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.
In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.
It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.
4. Set up a hospitality line
This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.
Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.
5. Have the hosts make rounds during dinner
When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.
6. Set the stage
It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.
7. Make sure to set up a gift table
Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying "Please put gifts here. Thank you."
8. Mind the bathrooms
Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it's a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.
Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.
9. Avoid making unnecessary announcements
Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.
Issues to Consider in an Inter-Faith Marriage
by A. S. Khan
Before a Muslim man steps into an inter-faith marriage, there are numerous issues that he must understand himself and discuss with his non-Muslim wife-to-be. Some issues are:
COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL ISSUES TO CONSIDER FOR AN INTER-FAITH MARRIAGE
Here I will discuss the issues considering social and practical implications that can generally affect an inter-faith marriage. These issues will include religious compatibility, relationships with non-Muslim relatives, friendships circle, religious celebrations, food, social gatherings, acceptable dress code, cultural awareness and religious tolerance, charity, volunteer activities.
Before a Muslim man steps into an inter-faith marriage, there are numerous issues that he must understand himself and discuss with his non-Muslim wife-to-be.
RELIGIOUS COMPATIBILITY
Given the western environment so resentful and inconsiderate toward Islam, its always better to have peace in the "home." The family life will be much worry-free and harmonious if both spouses belong to the same religion and agree on same theology esp. if cultural differences also exist. Islam allows marriage to a Christian or Jew woman, but only under certain conditions. As described earlier in the first portion, the inter-faith marriages are permissible only in an Islamic society.
It is always better to introduce the woman to Islam and encourage her to become Muslima BEFORE marrying her. It will allow the woman to realize if she can take Islam as her religion and raise kids as Muslims; or if she has any innate notions against Islam or unwillingness to follow Islamic way of life. Most probably it will become self-evident to the man that what type family life can he expect from her as a wife.
RELATIVES & FRIENDS AND THEIR INFLUENCE
Certain situations when dealing with non-Muslim relatives and friends may occur and can lead to unanticipated misunderstandings.
Non-halaal Items
A non-Muslim woman is not bounded by Islamic values regarding dressing up, mixed parties, eating non-halaal foods and consuming alcohol. She MAY avoid all such items voluntarily to make family life pleasant or as a goodwill gesture to please her Muslim husband, if he doesn't like them. Otherwise, she is under no obligation to avoid what is allowed to her by her religion.
By getting married to a non-Muslim woman, the husband should realize that he has already agreed to her being a non-Muslima and should not expect a woman to behave like Muslima if she is not one.
A Muslim should expect that the family will be invited to certain parties and dinner where all non-halaal items may be served. He may want to shun away from enjoying all the non-Islamic items, but the non-Muslim wife may want to consume them.
Personally I don't like participating in meals where Non-Muslim relatives and family friends offer prayers in the names other than Allah at their dinner tables and show no consideration for other people. It will be difficult to make kids not to eat certain non-halaal items while the non-Muslim mother enjoys them. Again, it is upon the woman's discretion to avoid all or some of the non-permissible items in Islam.
Non-Muslim Celebrations
Often the problems with non-Muslim relatives arise with the birth of a baby. Most christian grand-parents attempt to test the waters by giving the new-borns baptism or celebrate other religious ceremonies. In that event, unless the non-Muslim wife makes sure her side of family understands her husband's reservations about such celebrations, the situation may get tense at such a joyful occasion and may leave bitter memories.
Grandparents and other relatives may also want to celebrate (religiously) Christmas and, above all, Good Friday- a true christian holiday commemorating the Friday of so-called Jesus's death on the cross and his rising from the dead on Sunday.
Non-Muslims friends will also invite the family on their religious events and the non-Muslim wife may want to participate and take the kids with her to such celebrations and festivities. At such instances, it may be difficult to participate in their ceremonies and esp. in telling the kids what not eat and whom not to pray to.
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE
The family has friends from both faiths and it will be unfair that you have only Muslims friends. But sometimes certain outside non-Muslim influences in the marriage and esp. on the kids are to be avoided.
ACCEPTABLE DRESS
Islam prescribes the dress codes for man and woman. Not many Muslim men and women, either living in secular Muslim countires or the West, today follow the dress code perfectly. However, most Muslim women still do not go around normally in sleveless shirts, shorts or bikinis. If the Muslim man is trying to follow his religion then he will obviously prefer his wife and kids to be dressed properly. If the wife is non-Muslim then she is under no obligation to follow a strict Islamic dress code. But she may choose to dress up in proper manner again to please her husband, not to offend him and to guard her beauty from other men. But, then again, it will be her choice which may fluctuate with her relationship with the Muslim husband.
CULTURAL VALUES
There are certain western customs that may not be acceptable for a Muslim husband. Mixed parties usually include dancing and drinking. Hugging and kissing cheeks of male and female friends is another practise which is not permissible in many Islam. The Muslim husband may have to clarify these issues with his non-Muslim wife.
RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE IN THE FAMILY
If a Muslim man marries a non-Muslima, either practising Jewess or Christian (a sharaii requirement), then she probably will continue to practise her religion after the marriage. If she does, then she will demand the liberty to attend, contribute, volunteer and work for her religion.
Since, the advent of Islam in the West has caused tumult in the western religious institutions, esp. the churches and christian seminaries, their efforts are now focusing on esp. proseltyzing Muslims more than ever before. The church-going women are more prone to fall to the propaganda against Islam by the missionaries prepared specifically to "reach out" to Muslims. The ongoing propaganda at churches depicts Muslims "persecuting" christian minorities in Sudan, Egypt, Iran, Jordan, Pakistan, Nigeria and other Muslim countries. The religious differences, augmented under this environment, may damage the peaceful life at home.
The non-Muslim wife may want to volunteer and contribute financially to her religious institution and its activities- 10% of the income is to be given as "tithe" donations to the churches. It is usually disturbing too see your money support the exact religious institutions whose major goals now include defaming and sabotaging the religion of Islam and converting Muslims using monetary resources in poor countries.
RAISING MUSLIM KIDS
The foremost thing to understand here is that most of us who were raised in Islamic environment, even if it may have been a secular govt. such as in Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, Turkey, Indonesia, etc. The environment and society was mostly responsible for our learning and understanding of Islam. Right from the beginning, we learned Islam in bits and pieces at home, school, through radio, TV and even through our praticipation is Islamic students/political parties. In combine families, the grandparents and relatives helped our parents teach Islamic values to the kids.
In the West, it is a totally different environment. In most cases, the parents are probably the only "bridge" between Islam and their kids. If only the husband is a Muslim, then that bridge is even narrower. If the father himself is not very knowledgeable in Islam and doesn't participate in or mingle with Muslim (not social) community and activities in the West, then the kids will grow up virtually ignorant to Islam. In general, to them, Islam is a foreign religion.
A man usually doesn't have much time to spend with the kids and if the wife is non-Muslim too, then there is not much kids can learn about Islam even at home. Dressing them up in cultural/international clothes, feeding them cultural food and taking them to Masjid once or twice a year doesn't teach them any Islamic values or religion at all. If we assume the kids will learn Islam values LATER, the question arises: From WHO?
If the kids have a non-Muslim mother and she doesn't respect Islamic dress code and eating habits, ie. she wears shorts, skirts, bikinis and eats non-halaal meats or drinks, then how in the world can we expect that our kids will not do the same. How diificult it will be for the husband to teach the kids to avoid these "NOT-OK" things while they're okay for their respected mother. Will he be telling them that their mother doesn't have "good" moral values?
In an inter-faith marriage, where both parents practise their respective religions, often kids are grown to be confused in religious matters. They have sympathies to both religions. But due to opposing views, they are usually unable to "make up" their mind. Most do not want to reject either religions.
If Kids are drawn by mother and father to their respective worship places and to participate in their religious activies. What would a Muslim husband tell his kids if they want to go to church on Sundays with their Mom. Similarly, what will a non-Muslim mother say to her kids, if they go to Masjid on Fridays and on Sundays for taa'leem. The clildren need a single religion preached and taught to them.
Marriage is a critical decision in not only our life, but for our kids and their and our hereafter. Let's be real careful about it.
And those who pray, "Out Lord! grant unto us wives and offsprings who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Surah 25:74]
Before a Muslim man steps into an inter-faith marriage, there are numerous issues that he must understand himself and discuss with his non-Muslim wife-to-be. Some issues are:
COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL ISSUES TO CONSIDER FOR AN INTER-FAITH MARRIAGE
Here I will discuss the issues considering social and practical implications that can generally affect an inter-faith marriage. These issues will include religious compatibility, relationships with non-Muslim relatives, friendships circle, religious celebrations, food, social gatherings, acceptable dress code, cultural awareness and religious tolerance, charity, volunteer activities.
Before a Muslim man steps into an inter-faith marriage, there are numerous issues that he must understand himself and discuss with his non-Muslim wife-to-be.
RELIGIOUS COMPATIBILITY
Given the western environment so resentful and inconsiderate toward Islam, its always better to have peace in the "home." The family life will be much worry-free and harmonious if both spouses belong to the same religion and agree on same theology esp. if cultural differences also exist. Islam allows marriage to a Christian or Jew woman, but only under certain conditions. As described earlier in the first portion, the inter-faith marriages are permissible only in an Islamic society.
It is always better to introduce the woman to Islam and encourage her to become Muslima BEFORE marrying her. It will allow the woman to realize if she can take Islam as her religion and raise kids as Muslims; or if she has any innate notions against Islam or unwillingness to follow Islamic way of life. Most probably it will become self-evident to the man that what type family life can he expect from her as a wife.
RELATIVES & FRIENDS AND THEIR INFLUENCE
Certain situations when dealing with non-Muslim relatives and friends may occur and can lead to unanticipated misunderstandings.
Non-halaal Items
A non-Muslim woman is not bounded by Islamic values regarding dressing up, mixed parties, eating non-halaal foods and consuming alcohol. She MAY avoid all such items voluntarily to make family life pleasant or as a goodwill gesture to please her Muslim husband, if he doesn't like them. Otherwise, she is under no obligation to avoid what is allowed to her by her religion.
By getting married to a non-Muslim woman, the husband should realize that he has already agreed to her being a non-Muslima and should not expect a woman to behave like Muslima if she is not one.
A Muslim should expect that the family will be invited to certain parties and dinner where all non-halaal items may be served. He may want to shun away from enjoying all the non-Islamic items, but the non-Muslim wife may want to consume them.
Personally I don't like participating in meals where Non-Muslim relatives and family friends offer prayers in the names other than Allah at their dinner tables and show no consideration for other people. It will be difficult to make kids not to eat certain non-halaal items while the non-Muslim mother enjoys them. Again, it is upon the woman's discretion to avoid all or some of the non-permissible items in Islam.
Non-Muslim Celebrations
Often the problems with non-Muslim relatives arise with the birth of a baby. Most christian grand-parents attempt to test the waters by giving the new-borns baptism or celebrate other religious ceremonies. In that event, unless the non-Muslim wife makes sure her side of family understands her husband's reservations about such celebrations, the situation may get tense at such a joyful occasion and may leave bitter memories.
Grandparents and other relatives may also want to celebrate (religiously) Christmas and, above all, Good Friday- a true christian holiday commemorating the Friday of so-called Jesus's death on the cross and his rising from the dead on Sunday.
Non-Muslims friends will also invite the family on their religious events and the non-Muslim wife may want to participate and take the kids with her to such celebrations and festivities. At such instances, it may be difficult to participate in their ceremonies and esp. in telling the kids what not eat and whom not to pray to.
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE
The family has friends from both faiths and it will be unfair that you have only Muslims friends. But sometimes certain outside non-Muslim influences in the marriage and esp. on the kids are to be avoided.
ACCEPTABLE DRESS
Islam prescribes the dress codes for man and woman. Not many Muslim men and women, either living in secular Muslim countires or the West, today follow the dress code perfectly. However, most Muslim women still do not go around normally in sleveless shirts, shorts or bikinis. If the Muslim man is trying to follow his religion then he will obviously prefer his wife and kids to be dressed properly. If the wife is non-Muslim then she is under no obligation to follow a strict Islamic dress code. But she may choose to dress up in proper manner again to please her husband, not to offend him and to guard her beauty from other men. But, then again, it will be her choice which may fluctuate with her relationship with the Muslim husband.
CULTURAL VALUES
There are certain western customs that may not be acceptable for a Muslim husband. Mixed parties usually include dancing and drinking. Hugging and kissing cheeks of male and female friends is another practise which is not permissible in many Islam. The Muslim husband may have to clarify these issues with his non-Muslim wife.
RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE IN THE FAMILY
If a Muslim man marries a non-Muslima, either practising Jewess or Christian (a sharaii requirement), then she probably will continue to practise her religion after the marriage. If she does, then she will demand the liberty to attend, contribute, volunteer and work for her religion.
Since, the advent of Islam in the West has caused tumult in the western religious institutions, esp. the churches and christian seminaries, their efforts are now focusing on esp. proseltyzing Muslims more than ever before. The church-going women are more prone to fall to the propaganda against Islam by the missionaries prepared specifically to "reach out" to Muslims. The ongoing propaganda at churches depicts Muslims "persecuting" christian minorities in Sudan, Egypt, Iran, Jordan, Pakistan, Nigeria and other Muslim countries. The religious differences, augmented under this environment, may damage the peaceful life at home.
The non-Muslim wife may want to volunteer and contribute financially to her religious institution and its activities- 10% of the income is to be given as "tithe" donations to the churches. It is usually disturbing too see your money support the exact religious institutions whose major goals now include defaming and sabotaging the religion of Islam and converting Muslims using monetary resources in poor countries.
RAISING MUSLIM KIDS
The foremost thing to understand here is that most of us who were raised in Islamic environment, even if it may have been a secular govt. such as in Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, Turkey, Indonesia, etc. The environment and society was mostly responsible for our learning and understanding of Islam. Right from the beginning, we learned Islam in bits and pieces at home, school, through radio, TV and even through our praticipation is Islamic students/political parties. In combine families, the grandparents and relatives helped our parents teach Islamic values to the kids.
In the West, it is a totally different environment. In most cases, the parents are probably the only "bridge" between Islam and their kids. If only the husband is a Muslim, then that bridge is even narrower. If the father himself is not very knowledgeable in Islam and doesn't participate in or mingle with Muslim (not social) community and activities in the West, then the kids will grow up virtually ignorant to Islam. In general, to them, Islam is a foreign religion.
A man usually doesn't have much time to spend with the kids and if the wife is non-Muslim too, then there is not much kids can learn about Islam even at home. Dressing them up in cultural/international clothes, feeding them cultural food and taking them to Masjid once or twice a year doesn't teach them any Islamic values or religion at all. If we assume the kids will learn Islam values LATER, the question arises: From WHO?
If the kids have a non-Muslim mother and she doesn't respect Islamic dress code and eating habits, ie. she wears shorts, skirts, bikinis and eats non-halaal meats or drinks, then how in the world can we expect that our kids will not do the same. How diificult it will be for the husband to teach the kids to avoid these "NOT-OK" things while they're okay for their respected mother. Will he be telling them that their mother doesn't have "good" moral values?
In an inter-faith marriage, where both parents practise their respective religions, often kids are grown to be confused in religious matters. They have sympathies to both religions. But due to opposing views, they are usually unable to "make up" their mind. Most do not want to reject either religions.
If Kids are drawn by mother and father to their respective worship places and to participate in their religious activies. What would a Muslim husband tell his kids if they want to go to church on Sundays with their Mom. Similarly, what will a non-Muslim mother say to her kids, if they go to Masjid on Fridays and on Sundays for taa'leem. The clildren need a single religion preached and taught to them.
Marriage is a critical decision in not only our life, but for our kids and their and our hereafter. Let's be real careful about it.
And those who pray, "Out Lord! grant unto us wives and offsprings who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Surah 25:74]
Advice Regarding Marrying non-Muslims
By Ali Al-Timimi
QUESTION:
I need a fatwa regarding making the marriage contract in a church or in a civil court.So the question is: If a muslim is getting married with a Christian woman, is it permissible in Islam to make the marriage contract in a church or a civil court?
ANSWER:
as-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu:
As for regarding, marrying a Christian woman, one must understand that Allah has permitted for us the "muhsanaat" among them. This means that the woman _must_ be chaste. As for those Christian women who have had sex outside of marriage; it is impermissible to marry them. As most American woman, these days, have sex before marriage, a "muhsanah" from the Christians is a rarity!
As far as the contract, it is impermissible to have any part of the marriage ceremony at the church; as this entails witnessing shirk (or perhaps at times participating in shirk), like when the Priest takes the ring from thr groom, and then places it on the bride's thumb, forefinger and the middle finger while saying "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost" (may Allah be exalted from such blasphemy) and finally rests the ring on the index finger. Also their marriage has many ceremonies which are from the practices of the unbelievers that one may not partake in.
As for the contract in a civil court, this is permitted if two conditions are met: (1) There is no acceptance of the laws and system of the disbelievers as supreme or valid as this would nullify our testimony of faith; (2) the registering of the marriage in the civil court results in some benefit that outweighs the harm of not registering the marriage. (This is the case with the majority of Muslim marriages in North America in particular for citizens and residents.)
QUESTION:
Secondly, is this allowed when the person is making a second contract according to the islamic teachings and laws regarding this issue?
ANSWER:
The Islamic marriage must proceed the civil registration; as it is only the Islamic marriage that makes the marriage valid. (An Islamic marriage entails in brief: (1) the acceptance of both partners and their suitability for marriage; (2) the acceptance of the bride's guardian; (3) the dower; (4) and two wintesses.)
A court marriage is not a marriage according to the sharia. And hence both partners, if not married Islamically, cannot be alone with one another, let alone, live as husband and wife.
I have one final word of advice regarding the dangers and appropriateness of marrying a Christian woman. (1) If the marriage ends in divorce; the court will almost always and without exception give custody of the children to the woman; (2) if the husband tries to leave the US with the children and a court order issues a warrant for his arrest for kidnapping; the Dept. of Justice will send FBI officers to arrest the husband and bring back the children, even if he is overseas. In fact, there are special mercenaries for hire that for a fee will kidnap the children and bring them back to the US. This has happened in Jordan and Iraq. I even know first hand of an incident where a British Muslim (a white Englishman with a big red beard) who was arrested in Medina by Saudi authorities due to the pressure of the British government to return his Muslim daughter back to her Christian drug abusing wife and her boyfriend and to place him in jail for kidnapping his Muslim daughter to Saudi Arabia; (3) many Muslims today are weak in faith and suffer from feelings of inadequacy (due to this lack of faith) in front of Westerners (and in particular white Americans); as a result, it is often that the Christian wife who will control their lives. I know of many cases of Muslims who have married these Christian women and due to the enviornment have ended up in a case of "virtual" apostasy; (4) how appropriate is it to marry a Christian woman given that there are many Muslim woman who lack husbands? These are not only American sisters, converts and immigrant children who have grown up in this country and who need strong Muslim men to learn Islam from them and take care of them; but what about the tens of million of Muslim women from Muslim countries who due to war and displacement live very poor lives and are looking for a Muslim man to teach them and rescue them from their misery. If the youth of Islam remain with only one wife or marry Christians, who will shelter our sisters from Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq, Kashmir, Philipines, etc.! That is some advice from the heart that I felt must be brought forward. My apologies if these words are out of place.
Your brother in Islam
Ali Al-Timimi
QUESTION:
I need a fatwa regarding making the marriage contract in a church or in a civil court.So the question is: If a muslim is getting married with a Christian woman, is it permissible in Islam to make the marriage contract in a church or a civil court?
ANSWER:
as-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu:
As for regarding, marrying a Christian woman, one must understand that Allah has permitted for us the "muhsanaat" among them. This means that the woman _must_ be chaste. As for those Christian women who have had sex outside of marriage; it is impermissible to marry them. As most American woman, these days, have sex before marriage, a "muhsanah" from the Christians is a rarity!
As far as the contract, it is impermissible to have any part of the marriage ceremony at the church; as this entails witnessing shirk (or perhaps at times participating in shirk), like when the Priest takes the ring from thr groom, and then places it on the bride's thumb, forefinger and the middle finger while saying "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost" (may Allah be exalted from such blasphemy) and finally rests the ring on the index finger. Also their marriage has many ceremonies which are from the practices of the unbelievers that one may not partake in.
As for the contract in a civil court, this is permitted if two conditions are met: (1) There is no acceptance of the laws and system of the disbelievers as supreme or valid as this would nullify our testimony of faith; (2) the registering of the marriage in the civil court results in some benefit that outweighs the harm of not registering the marriage. (This is the case with the majority of Muslim marriages in North America in particular for citizens and residents.)
QUESTION:
Secondly, is this allowed when the person is making a second contract according to the islamic teachings and laws regarding this issue?
ANSWER:
The Islamic marriage must proceed the civil registration; as it is only the Islamic marriage that makes the marriage valid. (An Islamic marriage entails in brief: (1) the acceptance of both partners and their suitability for marriage; (2) the acceptance of the bride's guardian; (3) the dower; (4) and two wintesses.)
A court marriage is not a marriage according to the sharia. And hence both partners, if not married Islamically, cannot be alone with one another, let alone, live as husband and wife.
I have one final word of advice regarding the dangers and appropriateness of marrying a Christian woman. (1) If the marriage ends in divorce; the court will almost always and without exception give custody of the children to the woman; (2) if the husband tries to leave the US with the children and a court order issues a warrant for his arrest for kidnapping; the Dept. of Justice will send FBI officers to arrest the husband and bring back the children, even if he is overseas. In fact, there are special mercenaries for hire that for a fee will kidnap the children and bring them back to the US. This has happened in Jordan and Iraq. I even know first hand of an incident where a British Muslim (a white Englishman with a big red beard) who was arrested in Medina by Saudi authorities due to the pressure of the British government to return his Muslim daughter back to her Christian drug abusing wife and her boyfriend and to place him in jail for kidnapping his Muslim daughter to Saudi Arabia; (3) many Muslims today are weak in faith and suffer from feelings of inadequacy (due to this lack of faith) in front of Westerners (and in particular white Americans); as a result, it is often that the Christian wife who will control their lives. I know of many cases of Muslims who have married these Christian women and due to the enviornment have ended up in a case of "virtual" apostasy; (4) how appropriate is it to marry a Christian woman given that there are many Muslim woman who lack husbands? These are not only American sisters, converts and immigrant children who have grown up in this country and who need strong Muslim men to learn Islam from them and take care of them; but what about the tens of million of Muslim women from Muslim countries who due to war and displacement live very poor lives and are looking for a Muslim man to teach them and rescue them from their misery. If the youth of Islam remain with only one wife or marry Christians, who will shelter our sisters from Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq, Kashmir, Philipines, etc.! That is some advice from the heart that I felt must be brought forward. My apologies if these words are out of place.
Your brother in Islam
Ali Al-Timimi
Marriage to a Past
By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Pleasant Companionship
By Shaikh Ali Hasan al Halabee
Good companionship, choosing and having good companions is extremely important for many reasons and from many aspects.
1. Mankind cannot live alone; every individual must live and interact with others.
2. Those people who you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. Either they are going to be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good, and help you to accomplish that which Allah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Shaytaan, that which misleads you and leads you to the Hell-Fire.
3. When the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) was sent with the Da'wah to establish the Deen of al-Islaam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.
These three aspects show the importance of having good companions, companions who are Saalih (righteous). Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. They also show the importance of avoiding keeping bad companions. Such companions who have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allah and which lead to the Hell-Fire - and we seek Allah's refuge from that.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"A person is upon the Deen of his khaleel (close friend), so look to whom you befriend." [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhee]
This means that a person is upon the same minhajj (methodology) as his friend, the same tareeq (path) as his friend, the same nature, manner and behaviour as his friend. So we must be careful about whom we befriend.
There is an Arabic expression - 'Your companion is what pulls you to something'. So if your companion is good, he will pull to towards that which is good. But if your companion is bad, he will only pull you towards that which is evil. We must choose our friends and companions carefully so that we take friends who are sincere, and who will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it. About this the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He neither betrays him nor tells him a lie, nor humiliates him." [At-Tirmidhee] So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) also explained this great principle further in another narration, wherein he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) stated,
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwaa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawud, Tirmidhee]
This principle is important from the standpoint of how the Deen is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish his Islaam, and to help him worship Allah. We find a good example in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)- the one who Allah chose and who He spoke to - Musa (as). When Allah sent him to Fir'awn, he said, "And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allah's Message and Prophet hood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much." [20:29-34]
Musa wanted his brother to support him and help him, protect him and accompany him. And this is what the believers do for one another. For the thing that binds the believers together and makes them brothers is eemaan (Islamic belief). The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"There are three characteristics; whoever has them will find the sweetness of eemaan: That Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than all else, that he loves a person and does not love him except for Allah, and that he would hat to revert to unbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into the Fire." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Thus the connection between the believers is based upon eemaan and sincere brotherhood.
Be warned against taking any companion if such companionship is based upon other than this, for if you were to do that you would then bite your hands in grief. Just as the unjust ones will bite their hands in grief on the Last Day. Saying, "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Qur'aan) after it had come to me." [25:27]
Allah says, "And whosoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allah), We appoint for him Shaytaan to be a Qareen (intimate companion) to him." [43:36]
So all of the physical togetherness that you see around you, which is based upon other than eemaan, will be wiped away on that Day, and will be a source of misery and torture for them. Allah says that those who love one another for other than the sake of Allah will be "...foes one to another..." on the Last Day. [43:67]
It is only the brotherhood which is based upon eemaan and taqwaa that is the true and lasting brotherhood. All of those who come together for materialistic reasons; because of complexion, because of nationality, or for whatever other reason, will be enemies one to another "...except al-Muttaqoon." Those who have taqwaa, and love a brother only because he is upon the Path of Allah and has the same eemaan that they have; he has taken the path of the Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and the Salafus-Saalih (righteous predecessors). So be careful, before you slip and find yourself exposed to a fitnah, which you never imagined, all because you were not careful about whom you took as a companion.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell." [Bukhari & Muslim]
The good companion has been given this similitude because he is righteous and will help you to remember Allah. If he sees you make a mistake he will advise you and support you, whereas the bad companion would forsake you; leaving you at the time when you are most in need of him. "And remember the Day when the Zaalim (wrong-doer, oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite at his hands, he will say, 'Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Qur'aan) after it had come to me. And Shaytaan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need'." [25:27-29]
The bad companion is the Shaytaan from amongst mankind, and the Shayaateen are both men and jinns. Sometimes the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen amongst men, is greater than the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen of the jinn. As a matter of fact the Shayaateen amongst mankind could probably teach the Shayaateen from the jinn a few things they didn't know!
So in this hadeeth, where the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said that the good companion is like the seller of musk - which is a particular type of perfume, one of the best - it is said that either you will take some from him or you will get some of its fragrance on you. It can be seen that from the good companion you will either pick up good actions and statements from his example - obeying Allah because he does so and because he supports you in that, ordering what is good and forbidding what is evil, acquiring good characteristics and qualities and beneficial knowledge - or if he sees you becoming weak in your eemaan he will advise you and help you.
A good example of this can be found in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), who was ma'soom (free from making sins). When he was making the hijrah (migration) from Makkah to Madinah he would not leave until he had chosen a companion to accompany him on his way. Abu Bakr offered to go with him and make the hijrah also, but the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) ordered him to wait until Allah allowed him to do so. This implies that the fact that Abu Bakr was to be the Prophet's companion on this hijrah was a choice from Allah, and so great a choice and such a blessing that Allah mentioned it in the Qur'aan:
"Allah did indeed help him (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam]) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam] and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (s) said to his companion, 'Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us'." [9:40]
He (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, 'surely Allah is with us', not 'with me', since Abu Bakr had supported the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) in the establishing of the Deen of Allah, he had thus earned the right to be supported by Allah also.
Abu Bakr - a good friend and companion, one who was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Allah and to the service of His Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam); his blood, his wealth, his sweat, his tears and everything that he owned he gave for Allah's sake. Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq, radhi Allahu anhu, the first Khalifah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and his great companion, the best of this Ummah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), sets for us this great example of the good companion who is like the perfume merchant.
Good companionship, choosing and having good companions is extremely important for many reasons and from many aspects.
1. Mankind cannot live alone; every individual must live and interact with others.
2. Those people who you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. Either they are going to be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good, and help you to accomplish that which Allah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Shaytaan, that which misleads you and leads you to the Hell-Fire.
3. When the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) was sent with the Da'wah to establish the Deen of al-Islaam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.
These three aspects show the importance of having good companions, companions who are Saalih (righteous). Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. They also show the importance of avoiding keeping bad companions. Such companions who have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allah and which lead to the Hell-Fire - and we seek Allah's refuge from that.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"A person is upon the Deen of his khaleel (close friend), so look to whom you befriend." [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhee]
This means that a person is upon the same minhajj (methodology) as his friend, the same tareeq (path) as his friend, the same nature, manner and behaviour as his friend. So we must be careful about whom we befriend.
There is an Arabic expression - 'Your companion is what pulls you to something'. So if your companion is good, he will pull to towards that which is good. But if your companion is bad, he will only pull you towards that which is evil. We must choose our friends and companions carefully so that we take friends who are sincere, and who will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it. About this the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He neither betrays him nor tells him a lie, nor humiliates him." [At-Tirmidhee] So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) also explained this great principle further in another narration, wherein he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) stated,
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwaa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawud, Tirmidhee]
This principle is important from the standpoint of how the Deen is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish his Islaam, and to help him worship Allah. We find a good example in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)- the one who Allah chose and who He spoke to - Musa (as). When Allah sent him to Fir'awn, he said, "And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allah's Message and Prophet hood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much." [20:29-34]
Musa wanted his brother to support him and help him, protect him and accompany him. And this is what the believers do for one another. For the thing that binds the believers together and makes them brothers is eemaan (Islamic belief). The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"There are three characteristics; whoever has them will find the sweetness of eemaan: That Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than all else, that he loves a person and does not love him except for Allah, and that he would hat to revert to unbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into the Fire." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Thus the connection between the believers is based upon eemaan and sincere brotherhood.
Be warned against taking any companion if such companionship is based upon other than this, for if you were to do that you would then bite your hands in grief. Just as the unjust ones will bite their hands in grief on the Last Day. Saying, "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Qur'aan) after it had come to me." [25:27]
Allah says, "And whosoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allah), We appoint for him Shaytaan to be a Qareen (intimate companion) to him." [43:36]
So all of the physical togetherness that you see around you, which is based upon other than eemaan, will be wiped away on that Day, and will be a source of misery and torture for them. Allah says that those who love one another for other than the sake of Allah will be "...foes one to another..." on the Last Day. [43:67]
It is only the brotherhood which is based upon eemaan and taqwaa that is the true and lasting brotherhood. All of those who come together for materialistic reasons; because of complexion, because of nationality, or for whatever other reason, will be enemies one to another "...except al-Muttaqoon." Those who have taqwaa, and love a brother only because he is upon the Path of Allah and has the same eemaan that they have; he has taken the path of the Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and the Salafus-Saalih (righteous predecessors). So be careful, before you slip and find yourself exposed to a fitnah, which you never imagined, all because you were not careful about whom you took as a companion.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell." [Bukhari & Muslim]
The good companion has been given this similitude because he is righteous and will help you to remember Allah. If he sees you make a mistake he will advise you and support you, whereas the bad companion would forsake you; leaving you at the time when you are most in need of him. "And remember the Day when the Zaalim (wrong-doer, oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite at his hands, he will say, 'Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Qur'aan) after it had come to me. And Shaytaan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need'." [25:27-29]
The bad companion is the Shaytaan from amongst mankind, and the Shayaateen are both men and jinns. Sometimes the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen amongst men, is greater than the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen of the jinn. As a matter of fact the Shayaateen amongst mankind could probably teach the Shayaateen from the jinn a few things they didn't know!
So in this hadeeth, where the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said that the good companion is like the seller of musk - which is a particular type of perfume, one of the best - it is said that either you will take some from him or you will get some of its fragrance on you. It can be seen that from the good companion you will either pick up good actions and statements from his example - obeying Allah because he does so and because he supports you in that, ordering what is good and forbidding what is evil, acquiring good characteristics and qualities and beneficial knowledge - or if he sees you becoming weak in your eemaan he will advise you and help you.
A good example of this can be found in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), who was ma'soom (free from making sins). When he was making the hijrah (migration) from Makkah to Madinah he would not leave until he had chosen a companion to accompany him on his way. Abu Bakr offered to go with him and make the hijrah also, but the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) ordered him to wait until Allah allowed him to do so. This implies that the fact that Abu Bakr was to be the Prophet's companion on this hijrah was a choice from Allah, and so great a choice and such a blessing that Allah mentioned it in the Qur'aan:
"Allah did indeed help him (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam]) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam] and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (s) said to his companion, 'Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us'." [9:40]
He (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, 'surely Allah is with us', not 'with me', since Abu Bakr had supported the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) in the establishing of the Deen of Allah, he had thus earned the right to be supported by Allah also.
Abu Bakr - a good friend and companion, one who was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Allah and to the service of His Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam); his blood, his wealth, his sweat, his tears and everything that he owned he gave for Allah's sake. Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq, radhi Allahu anhu, the first Khalifah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and his great companion, the best of this Ummah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), sets for us this great example of the good companion who is like the perfume merchant.
